If You Missed The Part 4, Read It Here
‘When will I get to phuck, bang, bleep, straf a real pussay? When will my hands retire from easing my intimate urges? Why am I even afraid of sex? Which way nah?”
I was asking myself in my post-masterbating trauma while I used my towel to clean myself, Ofcourse I took my bath.
In contrast, I was not sexually active, I was more like a kid that lies to himself “No Sex, it destroys lives”. But as a Lone wolf, I stay home fantasising about sex, how a pussay will feel in my umm.. Maybe a huge lagbaja.
Lagbaja was a name my ex gave to my Joystick (Long story I tell you, but she gave it that name because I always wore Two underwears: Perry Coles n Swimming pants. And she never got to see it, she only felt it via feelings)
Dressed, headed to the kitchen to find some food.
On entering the kitchen, I saw Joyce(The Woman) cooking noodles and when she saw me, I felt an electric shock ran through her.
“Good evening aunty” was all I said.
“Evening danladi.. You want some noodles?” She asked.
Ahahahaha! What? She asked if I wanted noodles?
She phucking asked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“No ma” I said with a straight face as I went to take bread from the fridge, looking outside the compound, the Honda EOD was still not around, so I headed straight to d sitting room with “So Bros Abu drive that car wey I wash commot? He dey craze? On my mind. But she called me and said:
“Danladi we need to talk”.
I have seen this before, right? Yeah!! In the movies.
As much as I like Hollywood fictional movies, I am of the highest opinion that Nollywood (Wtf! Hollywood is in Blackberry dictionary and Nollywood aint here? ) is the best when it comes to moral lessons.
I stood, looked back at her, straight in her eyes and said:
“I don’t what to hear anything, we don’t have anything!”.
I felt like the Boss. Dem no born my uncle well make he raise voice for him wife like I did just now. I was in this bossy euphoria when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Mahmah, (a name they call themselves, ajeboptas tho) do you have any panadol left?” Esther asked Joyce. Joyce was kind of shaky but she managed to asked “You still having the headache?”.. That was the last I heard when I took my Bread and Barma to the sitting room as fantasies of me blackmailing this
rich Lawyer dreaded me .
“What if I tell her I wanted a round? Or perhaps, I ask for money? Chai! Danladi you don hammer!, you be Wassup nigga”..
Drake’s The Motto was playing on MTVB, so I kept on repeating “Real Nigga wassup “, I never really
knew what drake was saying tho.
“Danladi! Why do you always insert a bread inside barma? I told you 3days ago that this is not how its done, village boy swags”, Faith said with a smile.
Faith was a follower on twitter as I followed her also(She had about 4k followes tho), we chat once in a while on DMs but I was always shy to speak to her facially because she had this british accent and I, myself, a confirm benin accent accompanied by stammering.
“Un.. n..n..serious Girl of a..of a thing”.. I smiled and said.
She was somehow friendly, and I wasn’t comfortable, so I asked if she cared for some bread which she turned down. Sorry I have to put this in a convo, no vex.
Faith: So, Lazii Druid’s Party at micheal’s house?
Me: Looked up, how did… (Shocked face and she interrupted)
Faith: Saw it on your mentions, and kida kudz even retweeted the original tweet by the host.
Me: Oh! Cool, you wanna go?
Faith: Yup, I retweeted it as a favour, and asamoah said he would give me a blind date. Cool right?
Me: Yeah! (Pretty much in my angry mood)
Faith: What time is it though?
Me: Its 8pm till you pass out, but non residents of VGC will have to be there before 7:30pm.
Faith: 5pm already, I guess I better get ready..
*I swear I thought she was joking*
WATCH OUT FOR PART 6